Madly Bemused: 14 Beautiful Things I Gained from Honoring A Stone Cold Sober Life

Like so many, my introduction to alcohol was during a rebellious night in high school. However, unlike many, the first encounter was with Manischewitz (gross Kosher wine). Regardless, I felt like a bad girl and was hooked on the idea of “having more fun” in the most salacious ways possible. At the time, I didn’t understand that I didn’t need substance-outside-self to generate a lofty life experience. Often we’re peer pressured into “relaxing” and “having fun” accompanied by some magical swig. On my sober sojourn, I learned that true relaxation is finding peace within myself, without any outside thing.

In my college years, I no longer felt rebellious about alcoholic intake. It was par for the course to down shots into oblivion. In the name of acceptance and adventure, I conformed to booze culture. I had fun-filled adventures like I imagined – many a fling spawned from liquid confidence – but was alcohol necessary in catalyzing these encounters? While associated with the so-called glory days, underneath my glittery sheen was a girl who couldn’t show up in her purest and fullest form. As a full-fledged "grown-up," in my mid 20s, I relished sumptuous Sancerre under the guise of class and maturity. However mature I thought I was, I was still hiding. I can’t remember being fully whole or present or vulnerable just as I was – whether or not I was drinking during this time. Even though I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin, I continued to order a Patron on the rocks or a sexy Spanish red ~ just to have ~ because, well, why not?

The one tequila, one glass of vino, became a showpiece, and beyond that, a security blanket: something to hold onto or physically hide behind. This one drink created a barrier in a social setting. Once I became conscious of this habit, I unpacked the reason behind it. As I became more intentional about ordering, I discovered I was doing so for the comfort of others. I wondered: Why is this circumstance so routine, that when we break it, others squirm? Perhaps, it’s because, for a micro-moment, they’re forced to also question their own escapist habits, and that’s scary. I know some people actually enjoy the art of drinking but I am not one of those people. With ever-lingering headaches, I began thinking: do I actually like this? I noticed that even after a few sips, my sleep felt funky. One of the biggest misconceptions about alcohol is that it's a sleep aid. When we drink to sleep we wake up more frequently throughout the night, inhibiting us from entering a deep REM sleep where we dream. One health benefit researchers found is that dream sleep (scientifically known as REM sleep) helps calm the emotional tone of our traumas. This means that when something stressful or traumatic has occurred in your life, the REM phase of sleep helps to gradually decrease your emotional response to that event. Furthermore, on a more spiritual level, dreaming invites us to our subconscious realm, where our wounds and fantasies play out. In this space we both tend to our inner child and imagine our highest self. We tap into our psychic abilities in our dreams. The word "psychic" is nothing woohoo, it is simply one level up from intuition.

Arising with more than a headache, I was groggy, anxious, and even depressed, contrary to the whole idea that alcohol lubricates life. How – from just one?! Headaches were for proper hangovers – this wasn’t supposed to happen! Uncovering that I am sensitive to alcohol, I used this tidbit as a blessing. As I started tracking recent studies regarding the science of alcohol, I learned that my outsized reactions were corroborating the studies: that just a little bit of alcohol CAN indeed harm you.

Despite the “moderation is key” and “one glass of red wine is good for you” adages — moderate amounts of alcohol aren't so positive. A study from the University of Pennsylvania found that even with one unit of alcohol a day (equivalent to half a beer) a link exists between this small amount of consumption and reduced brain volume. This is significant reduced brain volume leads to problems with thinking, memory, and performing everyday tasks. According to the Times, any size of alcohol intake can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease and aneurysm. Many of us are aware of the risks between smoking and cancer, but few realize that alcohol is a “potent carcinogen,” directly causing seven different cancers. For some types – colorectal and liver – the risk starts only when drinking excessively, while others – esophageal and breast – can occur when consuming any alcohol at all.

Enough with stats, science, and the rational. We can back up our Knowing with numbers all we want, but our bodies don’t lie. We don’t need anything from the outside to give credence to our feelings. It’s quite simple: if you feel like caca after downing a doomsday-depressant, that should be enough to signal that IT’S NOT GOOD FOR YOU... ON. ALL. LEVELS! Everything is connected, so if we’re imbibing physical poison, we must be aware of its ensuing metaphysical vibrations. For me, alcohol lowered my consciousness, my happiness, and my overall ecstasy for life. It impeded my psychic intuition and made me question my own Knowing with crippling, mood-bending scaries. It's safe to say that drinking squashed my fullest BEING, even when I drank in moderation. Society tells us that the more we consume, the better our results, but I beg to differ. Why? Because alcohol, in keeping with consumerist culture, is a business, and a brilliant one, at that. I believe we reap more benefits by doing less. Indeed, “less is more” feels like a more suitable adage than “one glass won’t hurt you.” By drinking, spending, and doing less, I created more room for a richer, abundant life. Not only by cutting alcohol but also by cramming less into my everyday, I slept more and better. I didn’t feel a proclivity to work out to burn off last night’s disaster. Instead, I often crave movement from a place of corporeal surrender. Rather than schlepping to a bootcamp, sprinting and squatting half-assed and hungover, I opt for slow and sumptuous Yin yoga. Rather than compensating and “being good” with my diet to make up for the yuck of overindulgence, I generate meaningful interactions over mocktails. I leave feeling nourished on every level. In eliminating that which dims divine frequency, space is created to glow through life. When you’re doing damage control from your night with Don Julio how can we be expected to rise to the next level of our karmic ascension? When I tended to my gut I grew more lucid about my life. I tuned in more authentically to my loved ones, acquaintances, and most importantly, myself, a process, which I am still uncovering. Both my neshama and my microbiome underwent a metamorphosis as toxic bloat expunged from my Being. In the space, not the escape, we learn to Know ourselves. This is the ultimate antidote to all ailments. Here are 14 beautiful things I didn't have space for in my life with alcohol:

1) Connection with body 2) Clarity of Mind 3) Better sleep 4) Better skin 5) Better digestion - less bloat and inflammation 6) Quickness and agility both physically and mentally 7) MY MORNINGS (went from loathing to loving AMs) 8) More monetary abundance (saving a LOT - drinks are pricey!) 9) Souls who actually align with my derech (Hebrew for "way") 10) More presence and truth in each and every interaction 11) New adventures in finding new ways to connect with myself and others people. Tarot, tea, or women's circles? Contact me if you're interested! 12) Less FOMO via relinquishment of guilt for not partaking in activities 13) The ability to truly meet myself, to date myself, to get know myself 14) Knowledge of what I want and the courage to honor that Knowing

I hope this piece inspires you rethink your relationship to alcohol. I would love to hear about your journey. Thank you for reading notes from a Mad-Woman! Love, Madeline